Our earliest relationships shape how we view ourselves, connect with others, and parent our own children. Whether we experienced secure loving bonds or difficult early relationships, understanding attachment helps us make sense of our parenting instincts and our children’s needs. This knowledge can break cycles, heal wounds, and create stronger connections – it’s never too late to build secure bonds.
What Shapes Our Attachment Style
Our early experiences create an internal blueprint for relationships that influences how we:
- Trust others
- Handle strong emotions
- Respond to stress
- Parent our children
- Form adult relationships
Four Main Attachment Patterns
Secure
- Comfortable with closeness and independence
- Able to regulate emotions well
- Seeks help when needed
- Recovers fairly quickly from stress
Anxious
- Fears abandonment
- Struggles with uncertainty
- May appear clingy or demanding
- Highly sensitive to emotional cues
Avoidant
- Values independence highly
- Uncomfortable with deep emotion
- May appear distant or cold
- Handles stress alone
Disorganised
- Conflicting approach to relationships
- Difficulty trusting others
- May swing between pushing away and clinging
- Struggles with emotional regulation
How This Affects Our Parenting
Our attachment style influences how we:
- Respond to our child’s distress
- Set boundaries and limits
- Express love and affection
- Handle separation
- Manage our own emotions
Building Secure Bonds
Regardless of our past, we can:
- Learn to recognise our triggers
- Develop new ways of responding
- Break unhelpful patterns
- Create security for our children
- Heal through understanding
Practical Steps
- Notice your automatic responses
- Pause before reacting
- Consider your child’s needs
- Respond rather than react
- Seek support when needed
Signs of Secure Attachment in Children
- Seeks comfort when distressed
- Returns to exploration after comfort
- Shows healthy independence
- Recovers well from upset
- Expresses range of emotions
Recommended Reading
- “What Happened to You?” by Bruce Perry and Oprah Winfrey
- “Attached” by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
- “The Power of Showing Up” by Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson
Remember: Understanding our attachment patterns helps us grow as parents and people. Small changes in how we relate can create big positive changes in our relationships.
