Connection Before Correction
PACE (Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity, Empathy) transforms challenging moments with children into opportunities for deeper connection. This evidence-based approach helps parents respond rather than react, building emotional safety and trust.
The Four Elements of PACE
Playfulness
- Lightens tense moments with gentle humour
- Reduces defensiveness and shame
- Creates safety through light-hearted connection
- Try this:
- Create silly clean-up songs
- Give emotions playful names (“grumpy gremlin day”)
- Turn tooth-brushing into a dragon’s roar contest
Acceptance
- Validates all feelings while guiding behaviour
- Creates safety for authentic expression
- Separates emotions from actions
- Try this:
- “Your angry feelings are welcome, even when throwing isn’t”
- “It’s okay to feel disappointed AND we still need to leave”
- “All of your feelings make sense to me”
Curiosity
- Explores feelings without judgement
- Helps children understand themselves
- Shows genuine interest in their experience
- Try this:
- “What’s the hardest part about this?”
- “I wonder if something happened at school today?”
- “Tell me more about what that felt like”
Empathy
- Shows children they’re understood
- Strengthens emotional connection
- Offers comfort in distress
- Try this:
- “Starting a new class feels scary sometimes”
- “It’s hard when friendships change”
- “I hear how important this is to you”
Real-Life PACE Moments
Morning Rush: Instead of: “Hurry up, we’re late again!” Try: “I see you’re having a slow morning. Shall we pretend we’re sleepy tortoises getting ready together?”
Sibling Conflict: Instead of: “Stop fighting with your sister!” Try: “Looks like you’re both having big feelings. I wonder what each of you needs right now?”
Bedtime Resistance: Instead of: “Get to bed now!” Try: “Something feels tricky about bedtime tonight. Let’s be curious about what might help.”
Making It Work
- Start with one element that feels natural
- Practise in calm moments
- Be gentle with yourself as you learn
- Remember: connection before correction
- Focus on progress, not perfection
When children feel safe and understood, behaviour naturally improves. PACE builds the foundation for this transformation.
Recommended Reading
“The Connected Parent” by Lisa Qualls and Karyn Purvis Practical strategies for building trust and connection
“Brain-Based Parenting” by Daniel Hughes and Jonathan Baylin Understanding the science behind connection-based parenting
“Parenting from the Inside Out” by Daniel Siegel and Mary Hartzell How understanding your own story helps you connect with your child
Remember: PACE is most effective when practised regularly in calm moments, building a foundation of connection that supports both parent and child through challenges.
